The Holidays: A Great Time for Singles

Okay, so the title of the post doesn't exactly ring true for many singles. Here we are alone at Thanksgiving/Chanakuh/Christmas/Kwanzaa/New Years without a significant other in our life. "So what's so 'great' about it?", you ask. Here are just a few sunny thoughts about the holidays.

1. Being Alone Helps You Realize You Are Actually Alone

For much of the rest of the year, you can kind of fake it. You can show up to things alone or you can take an opposite sex friend, or a date if you happen to be seeing someone. You can blow off attending important family and social functions with the excuse of working too hard in the pursuit of the dollar. You can pursue temporary relationships with people who you know are not right for you. All of these stopgap measures or coping mechanisms can make you not feel the fact that you have not found the love of your life. They get you through the weekend.

But work slows down and other types of regular activities slow down around the holidays and actually leave us with some extra time on our hands to comtemplate the solo existence. Other families and couples are getting together, frolicking in the snow, wearing cute Christmas clothes, acting all blissful. It's disgusting! Because other people gather more and are more sentimental about it, it makes our aloneness seem that much more, well, alone! Our feelings go under the magnifying glass; they are more acute than ever.

The good news is that realizing that there is a problem is the first step in getting to the solution. So don't do mind-numbing things to make those feelings go away! Start to work on the solution.

2. Extra Time Means You Can Start Self-Exploration About Who You Want in a Life Partner and How You Are Going to Make That Happen

What better time to stop messing around and get your priorities straight. Some don't really believe in New Years' Resolutions, but, heck, it's a great time to do some soul searching and figure out your non-negotiables. Please, if one of your non-negotiables is that your spouse has to be blonde with blue eyes, dig deeper. Eyesight grows dim with age and hair turns gray. Blonde can be purchased in bottle.

There are at least three ways to make 2011 the year you are with someone wonderful. The first of these is through self-guided goal setting and task planning to make it happen. There are many good books out there on this subject. (Write us for an essay on 5 ways to jumpstart your search for Mr./Mrs. Right).

The second way is with a coach. We hire specialists in all areas of our life. What could be more important than finding our life's companion and being a wonderful companion to him or her? East West Attraction offers coaching in person and via Skype, but not via telephone, and you can pay with PayPal. We simply must communicate face to face. EWA has a program to assist you in developing your list of your future spouse's traits and how to go about meeting and winning that person.

The third way is to outsource your search. Yes! That is what a matchmaker is for. Though you must come up with the attributes of your future spouse, we do the leg work.

3. Lots More Opportunities for Socializing

The other great thing about the holidays is that probably every group, church, office or organization you have been involved with in the last 5 years is having some sort of social event. Go online, research community calendars, read all of the junk mail and email you get from various organizations find out what is going on. So grab your calendar or create a special gmail/google calendar and start popping all of those engagements on there.

Get a couple of fantastic socializing clothing outfits, including shoes and jacket, a good haircut and get out there and meet, greet, and collect phone numbers like crazy. Go either ALONE or with one other person who you will split up with the moment you get there and to whom you will not go during the party if you feel droopy.

When you get the phone numbers of new people, (this is important) DO NOT TEXT or IM THE PEOPLE. Keep the good, personal vibe going by actually calling them and having a real-time communication. Remember how people used to actually talk to each other? You know, talking... like they used to do in the olden days?

If you have 3 events on your calendar in one night, which is not unthinkable since there are only a few weekends in December, go to *all* of them. Make it a point to meet say 10 people at each event. Not only are you looking for available people to date, but you also looking for social people who could possibly introduce you to your future mate. The more social the person is, the better! Get on the party lists.

Crashing parties at hotel convention/meeting rooms can be possible too! (Oops, we did not say that!)

4. Other Singles Are Feeling the Solo Vibe Also

If you feel lonely, realize other singles feel their solo existence more acutely also! Maybe they are more inclined to give someone a chance than they would have had during other times of the year.

Pretend to be a friendly outgoing person when you go out. Fake it 'til you make it!

And, we know from the research of David McCandless that there are a lot of breakups between Thanksgiving and New Years. Someone may be a newly minted single. Maybe they are not ready for a full-blown relationship but they might be ready for a new FOI (friend of interest).

Love and Thanks from MsEast West at East West Attraction!

Episode 1 | Dating Tips: Crushes & the Power of Practice Dating

Why wait until after you develop a mad crush to start developing your dating skills?  The young and inexperienced at dating can benefit from practice dating.  The most winsome women expect to be treated well. Watch it in HD.



Please add comments below. Thank you.

How Dating is Like Indian Wrestling, or Increased Attraction for the Happy Asian Man

"Indian Wrestling"

There's a game my father and my older male cousin used to play when my cousin was a young man in his twenties.  Maybe you've played it.  Each man would stand with the outside of his right foot touching the outside of the right foot of the other.  They stood with their legs apart, side by side, but facing opposite directions.  They grasped each others' right hand.  When the timer started, each would try to get the other off balance.  The first one to break his stance and falter was the loser.  The one who was able to stand his ground without moving his feet was the winner.

This message is for the young or inexperienced man or the young and inexperienced man who is setting out to date and woo a woman.  This is not for the jaded types who have had many women and are looking to score with the next woman.  For the young/inexperienced, feelings are extremely strong.  You can feel like you are in love before you even talk to the girl.  (I've heard it can be like that for some of the old dudes too!)  You might feel like a puddle of feelings.

But with your contact with the woman you need to make your message about strength, confidence and happiness.  Not about dependence on her reaction.  You can have a glimmer in your eye that shows you are attracted to her, an upturned smirk, a knowing glance, a light touch to the elbow, a lengthened eye contact, just slightly.  But not a sad face if she does not react positively immediately.  Not a dropped headed.  No slumping shoulders!

A woman does not want to feel that her reaction to you makes or breaks your life or your mood.

We as women don't want to feel you will come unglued if we reject you, if we flirt in a negative teasing kind of way.
 

Can you handle me?

Can you handle me being desired by other men?

Can you handle it when I'm an airhead?

Can you handle it when I feel bloated?

Can you handle it when I feel weak?

Can you handle it when I feel hot and the center of attention, as I can do no wrong?

A woman wants to know these things about a man before she can trust him.

What we need more than anything is to respect you, with earned respect.  Not because you demanded it in anger or went into a rage.  Not because you're a wuss that whined about it and got your precious feelings hurt.

The feminine woman wants to be the female in the relationship, the one with all the exposed feelings that fluctuate frequently.  Don't let her break you down into the being the woman.  Don't let her get you off balance, meaning don't lean her way but don't overreact the opposite way, in defeat, anger or depression.

Happiness = independence.

Happiness makes you look independent and confident -- strong, ready and open.  This is very appealing!

What can you do to be more balanced in your interactions with women?

Is Money the Most Attractive Quality in a Man? Guess.

What do you think the most attractive quality in a man is?

1. Money
2. Good job
3. Height over 5'10"
4. Good head of hair
5. Sense of humor
6. High IQ
7. None of the above.

It is your matchmaker's belief that it is "7. None of the above".  MsEastWest believes the most attractive man is the happy man.  Happiness is attractive to almost everyone, male or female.

What is happiness? What does it mean to be happy?  According to an online dictionary, "happy" means:

1.  delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing: to be happy to see a person.

2.  characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy: a happy mood; a happy frame of mind.

 Happiness is defined as,

1.  the quality or state of being happy.

2.  good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy."

 A guy can be tall, with a good head of hair, a professional with a good IQ, having all the material accouterments but still be unattractive.  If he sneers, feels contempt for others, hates his work, loathes his clients, dislikes women, uses women, sees the world as half-empty, lacks courtesy, is a pessimist, feels downtrodden, feels entitled, complains about his upbringing, his station in life or his family, is lazy, is selfish, is stingy, has a filthy mouth, a filthy car, a filthy home or a filthy computer, he can be one of the most unattractive men you have ever met.

In your matchmaker's view, these are all indicators of an unhappy person.  Living with an unhappy person can make life a living hell.  Most people, including single ladies out there, know this.  Happiness is hard to fake.  Life is not perfect for anyone.  We all have to learn how to deal with setbacks, deaths, rejection, isolation and loneliness.  Some turn to religion to resolve this with success.  Others to psychotherapy.  And yet others through drugs, alcohol, mindless s_x, p_rn, and other bad behavior.

Are you finding rejection in the dating market because you are unhappy?  You haven't found the road to contentment and joy?  Your matchmaker provides date coaching and acts, in some ways, as a sister through the dating process.  But this is no substitute for the hard inner work of finding happiness. It's also been referred to as "The Road Less Traveled".

Before you jump into the dating market, you are encourage to find that happiness through your religion or other avenues.  Note: your matchmaker does not say "seek happiness", for that is elusive.  But having attained joy and contentment, it can be safely said that the quality and number of women who find you attractive is greatly increased.

Have a different opinion?  Please comment below.

Sound Hot: 7 More Ways for the Asian-American Male to Sound Virile - Pitch and Volume

In our last two messages about the sound of one's voice making an impression for better or worse, we talked about how the voice of an Asian-American Man (AAM) can work for or against him.  Three aspects of voice are accent, pitch and volume.  

 

The first step in overcoming these issues is to get an assessment.  We discussed several ways to get such an assessment, including the East West Attraction free 10-minute Voice Virility Assessment© in September of 2010.  Click here to make your no-cost phone appointment.  (Simply select an open appointment and you will be given instructions from there.  Go here to see our privacy policy).  The East West Attraction assessment focuses on accent, pitch and volume from the point of view of male-to-female romantic interactions. 

 

Step two is/was to get help with your issues.  Our last post mentioned a couple of those.  Here are some more ways to get help with voice issues.

Work With Others Who Have the Same Goal (Self-Help)

The awesome thing about this option is that you have the possibility of meeting some single women while improving your communication skills.  Investigate these and then pick one avenue and focus on it.

        Toastmasters

Toastmasters has been helping Americans and others across the globe improve their communication skills for years.  This volunteer organization charges dues that average only $30 to $50 per year, according to Suzanne Frey of the national headquarters.  You cannot beat that!  Members help each other by giving speeches to the other members.  There are many groups in each city, often meeting near your home or office.  The size of each group varies.  They can have from 10 to 30 members, or more.  Each time you give a speech, the others give you limited feedback focusing on specific communication goals.  You help others and they help you.  The more involved you become in giving speeches, the faster you will grow.

Asian Guy depicted in Toastmasters screenshot

Toastmasters has a proven system.  Each member develops specific personal goals.  Be open with the other members and let them know you value feedback.  This program will help the most with volume and pitch, as well as with your personal demeanor and presentation.  Your confidence with others will soar.  Once you are comfortable speaking to a group, then approaching just one woman becomes low pressure.  Single women go to Toastmasters also!  Few careers would not benefit from improved communications skills.

A note about Toastmasters:  Each group is different.  Visit at least 3 groups before selecting one to get a feel for the mood of the group.  It is important that you feel comfortable with the group.  One tip:  Once you start Toastmasters, start doing speeches right away.  The longer you wait, the harder it will become to work up your courage.  Dive in head first.

        Other Community Groups

In addition to Toastmasters, other groups focusing on communications and leadership skills can be found on meetup.com.  This site says it has 307 public speaking groups worldwide.  Some of these could be Toastmasters groups and others having a leadership bent. 

        Professional Speech/Communications Coach

Examples of such coaches in the San Francisco Bay area are Angelika Blendstrup, Ph.D (Silicon Valley), Susan Berkley and Susan Roane.  If any of the readers know communications coaches in other areas, feel free to comment on this post and help with recommendations.

        Mutual Improvement Buddy

Another way is to find a new friend and work with him or her.  Post an ad on craigslist in the Activities section under “Community” for your town.  Describe who you are and what you want to focus on.  If you do not find someone right away, keep putting up your ad.  Someone will respond.  You must stay on target though.  Get agreement that the person will give you feedback on whatever problem that you are working on.  Be a good partner and make sure that an equal amount of time is spent on you and on the other person.  This works well for accent reduction and language skills.

Maybe you could even suggest practicing at the beach, after you get to know her well guys.

Scene from "Mao's Last Dancer" movie

        Acting Coach and/or Acting Class

Acting coaches teach people how to walk and talk to project a certain image, whether it is that of a confident person, a sad person or a happy person.  They can teach you how to act differently.  Your volume and pitch can be assessed by an acting coach.  Do some research and talk to several people.  Tell them you want to present a better impression in social situations, not necessarily get a role in a movie.  Classes have the added benefit of providing a social outlet.  Who knows?  Maybe you'll ask the pixie senorita to practice lines with you.  Ask for her help.

        Aspirational Models

Do you have a video camera?  Do you have a television or DVD player?  Watch and learn.  Learn from good actors, not just the pretty boys.  Tape yourself and then review the tape.

The Cat Studio, Penang

       Hire East West Attraction as Your Matchmaker and Get Trained

East West Attraction will provide image coaching for clients as an added service in addition to date coaching.  Although we would not be able to help in English pronunciation, we can help with pitch and volume, among many other things, including body language.  Email us for a quote.

Step Three:  Get Out There and Practice Talking to Women and Asking them Out!:

While you are learning to improve your voice, keep going out and trying to meet women.  Don't stop doing this!  Practice makes perfect.  Use it as an excuse to meet women.  "I'd love it if you would help me improve my accent, or my English.  I could teach you some Japanese/Korean/Chinese things if you'd like".  Or, "I'm having trouble with my "r's" and my "l's", could you help me out?  I'd be happy to treat you to lunch or a latte when you have some free time."  Meet in a public place.

To wrap up, there can be three areas to work on to project a strong, masculine voice:  accent, pitch and volume.  Each of these needs to be strong.  These are areas, where, with a little work, you can sound masculine and confident to the American woman.  As you improve, keep evaluating how you are doing.

What do you think?  Do you have any suggestions to offer based on personal experience of improving in these voice areas?  Please post here and let us know.

~ o ~

As a benefit to our single readers, East West Attraction's matchmaker, Alicia Ballard, is performing a no-cost 10 minute voice assessment in September 2010.  The reader can make his no-cost phone appointment and get the code through this website.  There is no need to email us or call by phone.  The East West Attraction assessment will focus on accent, pitch and volume from the point of view of male-to-female romantic interactions.

Schedule the no-cost Voice Virility Assessment©

If the readers have more questions about this topic, please comment below or send an email.

Sound Hot: 4 Ways for the Asian-American Man to Sound Virile - Accent Reduction

In our last message about the sound of one's voice making an impression for better or worse, we talked about three different ways that the voice of an Asian-American Man (AAM) can work for or against him.  Three aspects of voice are accent, pitch and volume.  To make a good first impression on a woman, business contact or new neighbor, one wants to present himself as strongly and confidently as possible in each of these three areas.

Step One: Get an Assessment

Is your voice an issue?  The first step is to get an assessment.  The difficulty lies in making an objective evaluation of our own voice.  We literally cannot hear ourselves clearly.  As a benefit to our single readers, East West Attraction is doing a free 10-minute Voice Virility Assessment© in September of 2010.  Click here to make your no-cost phone appointment and get the code.  The East West Attraction assessment will focus on accent, pitch and volume from the point of view of male-to-female romantic interactions.

Readers who do not wish to take advantage of this opportunity (or for those outside the U.S. and Canada) can start by asking a trusted friend.  Make sure you ask open-ended questions while your friend gives you an assessment.  Ask what you are good at and what needs improvement.  Give them permission to be honest.  But still, sometimes friends have a hard time being objective and they also do not want to hurt your feelings.  They may be less than honest.

If neither of the options interests you, and you feel you may have a problem, you can ask for feedback as you proceed through the next steps.

Step Two:  Get Help with Your Issues

1.    Get Accent Reduction Training Online, With Books & Tapes, or In Person

If you are able to read this blog, then your language skills are probably alright.  You might need to tweak some accent imperfections.  Before we do that, let's ask whether it is even political correct to talk about accent. 

The goal here is to assist the AAM in meeting, attracting, courting, falling in love with and marrying an American woman, whether she is a white female (Caucasian), Latina (Hispanic) or black (African-American).  To do so, the Asian-American Man (AAM) needs to be attractive to her.  Do you want your differences or your similarities to be the first thing she notices about you?  Best answer:  Similarities.

If the first thing a woman notices is that you sound different and unfamiliar, i.e. "foreign", then the differences are the first impression.  Since the average reader of this blog is not a “Bruce Lee" or "Ken Watanabe" type, accent is relevant.  The AAM does not want the adorable brunette in the dairy aisle of the supermarket to wonder whether a lifetime with him will be spent trying to understand what he is saying.

Language professionals teach accent reduction both online and in person.  One example of online accent reduction is Accent Master Lynn.  Her website and YouTube videos describe and show her work.  She has a number of followers.  For Silicon Valley readers, check out Angelika Blendstrup, PhD.

Many language schools offer accent reduction classes.  Google or look through this directory to find one that specifically focuses on accent reduction in your area.  Accent is one of those things that professionals are really the most able to help with, unlike some of the other voice issues.  They understand linguistics and have the proper tools to use with English learners -- better than someone in the general population would have.

Amazon sells a number of books on the topic.  These are listed here as a courtesy for the readers.  These are a low-cost option but are also not very fun.  Who wants to sit at home after working a hard day and read about accents?  Mastering the American Accent with Audio CDs, American Accent Training: Grammar with Audio CDs, and Lose Your Accent in 28 Days (CD-ROM for Windows, Audio CD, and Workbook).

So that is four ways you can work on accent:  online, with a coach, at a language school, and on your own with books and CDs.  In the next post, we will discuss in more detail how to address issues of pitch and volume as well as personal speaking presentation.

To wrap up, there can be three areas to work on to project a strong, masculine voice:  accent, pitch and volume.  Each of these characteristics needs to be strong.  With some time and effort, you can sound masculine and confident to the ear of an American woman.  As you improve, keep evaluating how you are doing.  And, keep getting out there looking and chatting up the ladies as you practice your new skills.

As a benefit to our single readers, East West Attraction's matchmaker, Alicia Ballard, is performing a no-cost 10 minute voice assessment in September 2010.  The reader can make his no-cost phone appointment and get the code through this website.  There is no need to email us or call by phone.  The East West Attraction assessment will focus on accent, pitch and volume from the point of view of male-to-female romantic interactions.

Schedule the no-cost Voice Virility Assessment©

If the readers have more questions about this topic, please comment below or send an email.

First Impressions: "Do I Sound Okay?"

Your hair is perfect.   You have on a fashion-forward shirt and Armani slacks, some great shoes, and you have worked hard to give those pecs true definition.  You walk in with ease and have good posture.  You make eye contact with a sweet looking girl.  She returns your smile.  You approach. So far, so good.

Your forward momentum can all come to a screeching halt when you open your mouth. The sound of your voice can be your downfall with a woman you would like to get to know better.  In your matchmaker's experience, the Asian-American man ("AAM") has three potential problems with the sound of his voice.

1.  Accent

This one is obvious.  If you were not raised from birth in the U.S., chances are, you have an accent.  If people ask you to repeat yourself a lot, chances are really good that your accent is heavy.  Americans uniformly love all of the British accents, e.g. English, Scottish and Irish.  (A plus for Indian guys who can mock a good English accent).  We also tend to love French, German and Scandinavian accents.  A good share of us like a Jamaican and an Australian accent.

But Asian accents in men are not revered by red-blooded American women.  At EWA we are not out to change the world; we just want to make your time in it filled with joy.  So, when faced with adversity, those of of us who are strong, make changes.




A note to native American English speakers:  Even though you were raised in the U.S. and went to American schools you still may speak with an accent.  We tend to absorb the accents of those around us.  AAMs can have the accent of their family.

2. Pitch or Tone

This is not a speech pathology lesson.  So technically, "pitch" and "tone" are probably two different things.  (Hopefully someone in that field will comment below).

Photo from the Missourian, Oct. 12, 2009 (1)

To the ears of an American woman, AAM native speakers of Chinese, Vietnamese and other Southeast Asian languages can have a high-pitched voice*.  In American culture, only women and drag queens are supposed to have high-pitched voices.  When the AAM speaks those Asian languages, one can hear the high pitches and sounds which are perfectly normal and appropriate in those languages.  But the heterosexual AAM male looking to mate with an American female will learn to bring the pitch down at least a couple of octaves.

*This has been observed less in native Japanese, Filipino, Korean and Indian speakers.

3. Volume

Please, please, please, when you approach a woman in a crowded, noisy place, do not lower your voice.  You want those first few words out of your mouth to be audible.  Err on the side of being too loud if you know you have a problem with this.  If you are a small guy, you will really need to work on this.  You want your voice to carry, be full and speak with authority.

What you are trying to convey with your volume is that 1) what you have to say is worthy of being heard as demonstrated by the many people in the past who have wanted to hear what you have to say; 2) you mean what you say; and 3) you are not afraid of making a mistake with the content of your part of the dialogue.

Okay, so the matchmaker has written some things you may not want to read.  You may be wondering whether you have a problem in any of these three areas:  accent, pitch and volume.  The first step is to get an assessment.  Then you can work to improve in weak areas.

Later this week, another post will talk about assessment and solutions.  If these are your only problems, count yourself lucky.  All of these are problems with solutions.  Millions and millions of people have overcome these hurdles and you can too.

(1) Photo from the Missourian, Oct. 12, 2009, Accent Modification Program helps students with speaking skills, discussing the University of Missouri's Accent Modification Program