First Impressions: "Do I Sound Okay?"

Your hair is perfect.   You have on a fashion-forward shirt and Armani slacks, some great shoes, and you have worked hard to give those pecs true definition.  You walk in with ease and have good posture.  You make eye contact with a sweet looking girl.  She returns your smile.  You approach. So far, so good.

Your forward momentum can all come to a screeching halt when you open your mouth. The sound of your voice can be your downfall with a woman you would like to get to know better.  In your matchmaker's experience, the Asian-American man ("AAM") has three potential problems with the sound of his voice.

1.  Accent

This one is obvious.  If you were not raised from birth in the U.S., chances are, you have an accent.  If people ask you to repeat yourself a lot, chances are really good that your accent is heavy.  Americans uniformly love all of the British accents, e.g. English, Scottish and Irish.  (A plus for Indian guys who can mock a good English accent).  We also tend to love French, German and Scandinavian accents.  A good share of us like a Jamaican and an Australian accent.

But Asian accents in men are not revered by red-blooded American women.  At EWA we are not out to change the world; we just want to make your time in it filled with joy.  So, when faced with adversity, those of of us who are strong, make changes.




A note to native American English speakers:  Even though you were raised in the U.S. and went to American schools you still may speak with an accent.  We tend to absorb the accents of those around us.  AAMs can have the accent of their family.

2. Pitch or Tone

This is not a speech pathology lesson.  So technically, "pitch" and "tone" are probably two different things.  (Hopefully someone in that field will comment below).

Photo from the Missourian, Oct. 12, 2009 (1)

To the ears of an American woman, AAM native speakers of Chinese, Vietnamese and other Southeast Asian languages can have a high-pitched voice*.  In American culture, only women and drag queens are supposed to have high-pitched voices.  When the AAM speaks those Asian languages, one can hear the high pitches and sounds which are perfectly normal and appropriate in those languages.  But the heterosexual AAM male looking to mate with an American female will learn to bring the pitch down at least a couple of octaves.

*This has been observed less in native Japanese, Filipino, Korean and Indian speakers.

3. Volume

Please, please, please, when you approach a woman in a crowded, noisy place, do not lower your voice.  You want those first few words out of your mouth to be audible.  Err on the side of being too loud if you know you have a problem with this.  If you are a small guy, you will really need to work on this.  You want your voice to carry, be full and speak with authority.

What you are trying to convey with your volume is that 1) what you have to say is worthy of being heard as demonstrated by the many people in the past who have wanted to hear what you have to say; 2) you mean what you say; and 3) you are not afraid of making a mistake with the content of your part of the dialogue.

Okay, so the matchmaker has written some things you may not want to read.  You may be wondering whether you have a problem in any of these three areas:  accent, pitch and volume.  The first step is to get an assessment.  Then you can work to improve in weak areas.

Later this week, another post will talk about assessment and solutions.  If these are your only problems, count yourself lucky.  All of these are problems with solutions.  Millions and millions of people have overcome these hurdles and you can too.

(1) Photo from the Missourian, Oct. 12, 2009, Accent Modification Program helps students with speaking skills, discussing the University of Missouri's Accent Modification Program

Best Man's Homage to His Asian Brother's Marriage to Caucasian Woman

This video was added today to show the sheer joy and happiness of the wedded couple and the families. (These are not my clients). The best man is a one-man stand up routine. Best wishes for many years to come!

What do you think of the video?

Asian-American Men By the Numbers - Do They Measure Up?

(Photo attributed to aznlover.com.)

Frequently heard and read in the U.S. are racial slurs about Asian men being small men, in stature.  Also, they are referred to as having small packages.  So the reasoning would go, "why would a Caucasian, Hispanic or African-American woman be interested in an Asian guy?"  This idea is constantly repeated.  Just do a Twitter search for "asian guy" and, in addition to some tweets not suitable for children, you will see a steady stream of references to the size of Asian men.  But here is a number worth remembering:  41.

With such negativity, one would think that no one would be interested in marrying an Asian man at all.  The numbers simply do not bear that out, though.  Women vote with their feet, or rather their garter belt.  At least since the 1970's, American-born Asian men have married outside of their race over forty percent of the time.

The Pew Research Center's recent report "Marrying Out" confirms that American-born Asian men married outside the Asian race 41.7% of the time in 2008.  Forty-one is a nice number -- one worth remembering when one hears Asian men being metaphorically reduced to the (alleged) size of their anatomical parts.  The Pew report is based on actual microdata of marriages occurring in the U.S. in 2008.

Now, the percentage of such marriages is actually down since 1975 when it was 44.3%.  However, since the total number of American-born Asian males has increased exponentially since 1975, the actual number of American-born Asian males marrying outside their race has also grown exponentially.

(Graph extracted from Pew Report, "Marrying Out", Appendix III, page 6)

It is obvious that Asian-American men are finding love with women outside their race.  It is a matter of personal preference for those couples.  It is clearly not a choice that the majority of Americans make, but a sizable minority do make that choice.  At East West Attraction, it is our goal to facilitate those matches for our clients and members.

So, the question is, do non-Asian women buy into the racial slur?  In answer, we say "41".
 

How did you become a matchmaker and why do you charge for your service?

How did you become a matchmaker?

The simple answer is: it just came naturally. For over 16 years, I have been facilitating women and men through the stages of attraction through commitment. I see when things are a mismatch and when they are a match. I see when one person is not being genuine and the other is, and the woman is not always the “genuine” one and the man the “not genuine” one. As Paula Abdul wrote in the 1992 hit Straight Up, “the word and the deed go hand in hand”. So, in essence, I am a relationship analyst. I have analyzed and advised on hundreds of dating scenarios online since 2000. The blog website was started in June of 2010.

Why do you charge for your service now if it is something you have been doing for free in the past?

Matchmaking as a business is monetizing what I already do. In a perfect world, finding the perfect mate should not cost money! Doesn’t the Declaration of Independence say it is self-evident that “all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness?” It does and we do have the right. But searching for a mate does cost money.

Guys already know how many dollars they spend on buying drinks for random women just to get the opportunity to have a conversation, as well as the price of dinners and events. If it were not to impress women, many guys would own a more modest vehicle, with cheaper registration fees and insurance. It adds up!

Girls, equally, spend a lot on attracting guys. Haircuts, color, manicures, pedicures, jackets, skirts, sexy tops, shooz (flats, mid-level, platforms – all heights needed depending on the type of date and the height of the guy), and admission fees to places where girls think single men might be hanging out blow the entertainment budget easily.

Unless you are one of those people who married your high school sweetheart, romance is usually not free. It feels like such a waste when you spend cash to meet or date that quality person and the relationship goes nowhere. (I have been there. I know.)

A matchmaker and dating coach can save some time and assist in ending relationships that are not going anywhere. But, there are numerous reasons why I charge money for the matchmaking service.

First, it takes time. Making and maintaining contact with all of the people required to provide matches is a time-consuming daily activity. Second, it takes money to do this. I pay, like everyone else, to belong to clubs, go to meetings, and attend social functions in order to enhance the social network needed to supply quality matches. Phones, website, office, assistance, etc. are all regular business expenses incurred. I also support the economy by paying taxes. Third, the service is valuable, in my view, but my clients must be the judge. And, finally, I am not independently wealthy. By charging for this service, East West Attraction is available to devote detailed attention to clients. This is my work and I love it!